Four years ago, I came out of an Ash Wednesday retreat to learn that a young gunman had murdered high schoolers in Florida. It was a jarring piece of news after a quiet day in a convent.
Tuesday, after an uneventful day at work, I came home to dinner with my parents. I checked the news on my phone before the meal was served. Another young gunman, only 18, walked into an elementary school and murdered children half his age. Read that again. A boy just legally, technically a man killed 19 fourth-graders as well as two adult teachers.
Something broke inside me. I got lightheaded. Exhaustion washed over my body.
We were all still processing the Buffalo massacre, where another young gunman (18) targeted blacks in a grocery store. That one took me back to August 2019 when a 21-year-old Texan drove 10 hours from Dallas to kill Mexicans in El Paso. I haven’t written about that one because it was too close to home. It was my neighborhood Wal-Mart just a mile or so from where my parents lived at the time, a few miles from where I grew up. Mom had been in the store 24 hours before.
I have nothing eloquent or spiritual to say. I’m drained. Are you tired? Are you broken? Not yet?
This plague on our nation will be cured only when our hearts break and we mourn and lament and repent. Repent for our racism, for our idolatry of the right to bear arms. We will be cured when are able to look at our neighbor, the ‘other’ not like us, with compassion and mercy instead of suspicion and foreboding.
God didn’t do this. We did. We do this to ourselves. Every school shooting, every racist killing is a snapshot of our national psyche. We are sinful. We are dysfunctional in the worst way, where a kid can’t be assured of her safety in her elementary classroom.
All I can do is pray. I have nothing else within me but to cry out for mercy and healing.
O God the Father, Creator of heaven and earth, Have mercy upon us. O God the Son, Redeemer of the world, Have mercy upon us. O God the Holy Spirit, Sanctifier of the faithful, Have mercy upon us. O holy, blessed, and glorious Trinity, one God, Have mercy upon us. Remember not, Lord Jesus, our offenses, nor the offenses of our forebears; neither reward us according to our sins. Spare us, good Lord, spare your people, whom you have redeemed with your most precious blood, and by your mercy preserve us for ever. Spare us, good Lord. From all evil and wickedness; from sin; from the works and assaults of the devil; from your wrath and everlasting condemnation, Good Lord, deliver us. From all blindness of heart; from pride, vanity, and hypocrisy; from envy, hatred, and malice; and from all lack of charity, Good Lord, deliver us. From all disordered and sinful affections; and from all the deceits of the world, the flesh, and the devil, Good Lord, deliver us. From all false doctrine, heresy, and schism; from hardness of heart, and contempt of your Word and commandments, Good Lord, deliver us. From all oppression, conspiracy, and rebellion; from violence, battle, and murder; and from dying suddenly and unprepared, Good Lord, deliver us. By the mystery of your holy incarnation; by your holy nativity and submission to the Law; by your baptism, fasting, and temptation, Good Lord, deliver us. By your agony and bloody sweat; by your Cross and passion; by your precious death and burial, Good Lord, deliver us. By your glorious resurrection and ascension; by the sending of the Holy Spirit; by your heavenly intercession; and by your coming again in power and great glory, Good Lord, deliver us. In all times of tribulation; in all times of prosperity; in the hour of death, and in the day of judgment, Good Lord, deliver us. We sinners beseech you to hear us, O Lord God: We beseech you to hear us, good Lord. Son of God, we beseech you to hear us. Son of God, we beseech you to hear us. O Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world; Have mercy upon us. O Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world; Have mercy upon us. O Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world; Grant us your peace. O Christ, hear us. O Christ, hear us. Lord, have mercy upon us. Christ, have mercy upon us. Lord, have mercy upon us. Look mercifully, O Father, on our infirmities; and, for the glory of your Name, rescue us from all those evils we now endure; and grant that in all our troubles we may put our whole trust and confidence in your mercy, serving you in holiness and purity of life, to your honor and glory; through our only Mediator and Advocate, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (From the Great Litany, Book of Common Prayer 2019)